he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
