My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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