You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
