I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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