An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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