these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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