Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
