i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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