i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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