My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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