Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
