roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
