there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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