Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
