When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
