How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
