This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
