I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
