I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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