Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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