My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
