Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
