I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
