I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
