If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
