You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
