I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
