plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
