I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it's like iHOP with fire
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
