Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
not ubering you a puppy
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
