am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
