the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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