Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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