I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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