Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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