I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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