Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
