How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
