Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
