She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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