her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
