Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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