Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
