exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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