Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
