So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
