Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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