they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
