Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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