At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
