i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
