96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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