I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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